Ode to DeGroot
by Kanalith
Summary: The tale of Tavish Finnagan DeGroot, the soon to be demoman and his faithful sidekick, Duncan
1. Tavish vs Nessie

Tavish was only a wee lad when he was sent to the foster home and this proved as a great mistake of the foster home for letting Tavish in since after a few days a six year old Tavish already blew up half of his room. His roommate from the foster home was sort of disfigured in the freak accident of a stick of dynamite and misplaced lighter. Soon enough the foster home got the boy fixed up and placed him back in the room.

"No more explosives! Please don't put me in that room again! Please!" cried the kid as he was dragged to Tavish's room. "Tavish!" yelled the woman from the foster home and then Tavish poked his Scottish head threw the door and exclaimed "Duncan! Get your sorry hide in here and help me test this C4!" then he pulled Duncan back inside the room against Duncan's will. As soon as Duncan fell on the floor Tavish said "Duncan get your ass up here I have a plan!" and Duncan rubbed his head and said "Fine. What is it Tavish." "This is my greatest explosive plan ever! Guess!" exclaimed Tavish. Duncan picked up his only possession not yet in pieces, his father's hand grenade which one countless occasions Tavish asked if he could 'borrow it' then Duncan said "What?" but then the foster home woman said "There's a couple who wants to adopt you." Then Duncan said "Please be me!" then the woman said "Both of you." Which Tavish applauded at but Duncan stared at the woman and then facepalmed. Tavish then said "I'll tell you in the car!"

The two boys then went downstairs and saw their new adopted parents. The two looked like terrible people, the man was giant and had chains wrapped around his waist and the woman looked worse. Duncan tried to hide behind Tavish who was grinning while swinging dynamite and then the man said in a horrifying voice "We'll take them." And then the two boys went to pack up but when Duncan got up Tavish was nowhere to be found then he saw outside the window. Tavish was using his test C4 on their new parent's car and then Tavish rushed upstairs and went to Duncan and said "Don't pack much. We aren't going anywhere with them." Then Tavish picked up his bottle of DeGroot's rum and his sword, the Eyelander. The two boys went downstairs and the two terrible people got into the car but then Tavish pulled out a detonator and the woman looked over and said "Shi…." But she never finished the word.

Tavish then proceeded to pull out his sword and sliced off their heads and put them into his bag. Duncan had seen this before, his sword contains a ghost only fed with heads of his enemies and anyone who gets their head cut off with it. Then the boys went back to the foster home and the woman said "What?" and then Tavish held up the head of the woman and the woman said "Oh. Just that again." The boys got back to their room and then Duncan said "I guess you did save us from those people so I guess I owe you." Tavish grinned then pulled out his blueprints for his plan and Duncan looked over at the plan and whistled. "You think we can kill it?" said Duncan then Tavish smiled. Then the two pulled out their belongings and then set off on the road.

The foster woman looked up and said "Going to try to kill bigfoot again?" Tavish then exclaimed "Loch ness monster!" then the woman said "good luck" sarcastically. The two boys caught the bus going to the Loch Ness. As soon as the bus took off Tavish explained his plan in full detail. "First we place about ten pieces of dynamite wherever Nessie was seen last." Said Tavish and then Duncan cut in and said "How do we get that much dynamite?" Tavish then cut in and said "I wasn't done yet! We meet this man nearby the loch who sells that stuff, we roll a smoke bomb under the door and make off with the loot. Then we plant five sticky smoke bombs on the sides of the classiest boat there and then we make off with it." Then Duncan asked "How do we pull that part off?" Tavish then says "First you sneak in a car dealership and steal some keys, during that ill plant stick smoke bombs everywhere and we will find which car you got and then drive off with it. When we get the boat we attach the boat to two extra wheels and then I'll attach the rope to the car and the boat and then we pull off to the spots and then drop the dynamite. Soon Nessie won't have a place to go so she'll come up and that's when we deploy the small rafts with a grappling hook gun on it and then we capture Nessie and pull her in and then we haul her to the nearest village and behead her publically. Any questions?" Duncan nods and says "I don't think this is safe." And then Tavish states "We did kill a bigfoot but it did fall in the well." Then Duncan thinks about it and then says "It's our stop" The two get off the bus and enact the plan.

After the two got all of the parts of the plan done Tavish said "Ok. Now Duncan press the red button!" Duncan pressed the button and then explosions were heard and then a earsplitting noise was heard and a giant creature appeared before them. Tavish then shouted "Deploy the rafts!" Duncan pressed the other button and Nessie was caught under the hooks and then Tavish tuned up the motor at the end of the boat and after two hours of dragging Nessie around Loch Ness looking for the closest town and eventually they hit a town where the people were shocked about the monstrous beast getting caught by the two seven year olds.

Then Tavish raised his sword as the villagers cheered and he cut the head off of the monster and summoned all of his strength and raised the giant head of the fabled Scottish beast. Then he said "Duncan blow the corpse!" And Duncan pressed the button and the giant beast's body was blown to shreds and the village cheered his name for the day.

Soon the story went out to the rest of Scotland including a certain tribe of explosives experts. The boys then carried the head to the next bus going back to Ullapool. Where the rest of the foster home came out cheering Tavish and Duncan's names, while a set of figures stood in the corner of the foster home, their eyes fixed on Tavish.


	2. The Clan of DeGroot

As Tavish and Duncan were being carried they couldn't help but notice the people across the way, a man who was entirely blind and a woman who wore an eyepatch. Duncan then nudged his friend and said "Who are those people" The woman went up to them and said "I knew you were born for greatness Tavish" And Tavish said "Who are ye lassie?" and the woman said "Your birth mother." And Tavish froze. "You abandoned him at birth, even I was abandoned at birth why would you come back for him?" said Duncan, Tavish's mother said "It's a terrible tradition but it works for our clan. Duncan. Your mother couldn't be here now and your father was drafted and left you a grenade before he died." Duncan looked solemn and stepped back.

The two packed up and left the orphanage for good and went to the Scottish highlands in Ullapool. His father was driving and it seemed fine despite the fact that he was blind, but it seemed fine. Duncan was sort of scared from that but Tavish seemed fine as his mother told them about the customs of their clan which had still neglected the fact that clans shouldn't fight literally but socially. They all carried a few sticks of dynamite everywhere they went. Tavish was loving his clan. Duncan didn't as much as Tavish. By the end of the day Tavish was sleeping in his own house with the eyelander next to him and the colossal head of nessie.


End file.
